I’ve been frustrated with the health advice from the so-called experts lately since most of it is either far too difficult to follow or just flat-out wrong.  It makes me think that even I could come up with a health plan that is just as good as theirs, if not better. And so I have.

New Year's Health Plan by Christian comedian Charles Marshall

New Year’s Health Plan by Christian comedian Charles Marshall

The following are my revolutionary new health tips to get you started off on the right foot at the beginning of the year:

1] Eat more grease.  I believe that scientists of the future will discover that, since grease is a lubricant, it actually helps your blood slide through your veins and arteries with greater ease.  Therefore, the greasier it is, the better it is for you.  I predict that one day paramedics will no longer apply CPR to heart attack victims, but will administer french fries and donuts instead.

2] Exercise less.  The phrase “use it or lose it” is just way wrong.  Have you ever noticed that everything on the planet wears out with more use?  Why should the human body be any different?

No, if you want to be really healthy, try to move as little as possible.  Find a couch, get on it, don’t move, and start improving your health today.  The compliment of the future will sound something like, “Dude, you’re a real couch potato!” or “Man, I’ve never seen anyone look so out of shape!”

This is one more reason we need to step up the robotics program in Japan.  We’re going to need plenty of household attendants to prepare our meals and carry us to bed after a hard day of lounging around watching M*A*S*H reruns.

3] Gain weight.  I heard a story not long ago about an overweight grocery clerk who was shot in a hold up.  Fortunately, the bullet was diverted by the clerk’s multitudinous flab and he not only survived the attack, but wound up clobbering the would-be thief.  A story like that has got to be true.

The point is, I think the guy might have something there.  If all these organs we carry around are so important, doesn’t it just make sense to take them out of harm’s way by wearing as much padding around them as possible?  The thicker the layer of flab you’re sporting, then the more of a bullet-deflecting, criminal-trouncing grocery clerk you’ll be.

4] Get more stress in your life.  Just as a little wind resistance makes a tree’s roots grow stronger, stress will fortify and prolong your life.  The reason we Americans have so many health problems is that we’re living pampered, cushy, stress-free lives.

Take a look at the World War II generation.  Those guys went straight from high school to battling Nazis.  Now that’s stress.  Afterward, most of them went on to live to be about a gajillion years old.  The secret of their longevity?  One word, my friends: Stress, and plenty of it.

The first thing you need to do in order to get more stress is have some kids.  Having done that, then go fight some Nazis.  If your kids are Nazis, then you can rest knowing you’re stressing at maximum level, and then concentrate on staying as still as possible, eating greasy foods, and placing your order for a Japanese robot.

I know it’s hard to filter through all the advice thrown at you these days.  It seems everybody has an opinion and doesn’t mind sharing it.  The problem is knowing which advice to follow and which to mentally delete.

The only guaranteed method of ascertaining truth I’ve found is to seek the Lord. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”  I’ve learned that things will work out for the best if I prefer God’s opinion over my own or anyone else’s.  And that applies to every area of my life, including my health.

As I review this chapter, though, I see now that my health plan relies far too heavily on robot servants, and this, of course, is just foolishness.  Sure, we’ll need some robots, but we should not overlook developing a race of genetically enhanced super monkeys as well.